Every child has meltdowns. However, some are more prone than others. Looked after children and children who have been adopted can often struggle to keep their emotions in check. Over the last few months we've had a good opportunity to see what works and what doesn't. Please remember that all children are different and what works for us may not work for everyone.
1) Separation: When a child is acting out they will often be playing to an audience, even if they don't realise it themselves. The simple way to limit the effect of a meltdown is to remove the child from prying eyes, whether you are at home or out in public. At home, take the child to their room but outside try to take them somewhere away from further disruption.
2) Calmness: unless the meltdown is putting the child in immediate danger of harming themselves you should appear calm at all times. Anger feeds on anger and often a child will provoke you in order to make you as angry as they are. If you get angry the situation is likely to spital out of control. Have you ever tried shouting at a wall? It's hard to stay angry when you are getting nothing back. Try your best not to react. It's hard though because disrupted children can do and say some pretty horrible things.
3) Do not engage: as mentioned before a disrupted child will try to engage you in order to pull you into confrontation. It's what they want. Don't give it to them. Answer questions if you must but avoid lengthy conversation. The child will pretty quickly realise that if they want your interaction they will need to calm down.
4) Keep them company: do not leave a disrupted child on their own. They need to know that no matter their behaviour you are still emotionally available to them. Cutting them off will only breed resentment. Time outs are fashionable at the moment and work for a lot of people but if the child is already feeling a disconnect from you as a parent leaving them on their own will only deepen the fissure between you. Stay with them but remember numbers 2 and 3.
5) Contact: as soon as it is safe to do so make physical contact with the child. This is about judgement but you know your child best. Hold a hand, pat their back, stroke their hair. You are letting them know that you are still there. Nothing they have done will stop you loving them.
6) Separate a child from their behaviour: try not to tell the child they are naughty or bad. A child who thinks they are bad will see no reason to be good. Tell the child that you love them and let them know that you do not like their behaviour. It gives a child something to focus on that is not just them being bad, but more importantly it let's them know that their behaviour has no effect on how you feel about them.
7) Don't ask why: it's second nature to ascribe meaning to why something is happening but a child, especially a disrupted one, can no more tell you why they are misbehaving than they can tell you the science behind time travel. Demanding explanations will only lead to frustration, which will only prolong the problem.
8) Wait it out: When a child is disrupted they will not listen to you. They will shout, scream and twist your words around. The more you speak to them during the meltdown the longer it will last and the less likely you are to get anything even resembling sense. Wait until they're calm and then speak to them. Keep your voice light and free from accusation. Ask them if there is anything they want to talk about.
9) Consequences: poor behaviour should always have consistent consequences. Once all is calm again talk through with them what the consequences are. Minutes off bedtime, toys going into timeout and no tv time are always useful in our house but you will have your own preference. Never take away rewards that have been earned and never take away something the child uses for comfort (favourite blanket for example).
10) Forget about it: you may think that staying calm in the face of angry abuse was hard but trust me, this is the tough one. Once the meltdown has been dealt with and the consequences have been put in place, forget about it. Don't bring it up again and don't keep reminding the child about it. Shame is a massive aftereffect of poor behaviour and can leave the door open for repeats of the behaviour.
So, in a nutshell... stay calm, stay with them, stay quiet, wait it out, deal with it and then forget.
