What's In A Name?

Picture a wall. It has a lot of bricks and on that wall is a picture of your face. That wall is your identity. It's the wall that you've built up over the years and will continue building for the rest of your life. Now, you add to that wall throughout your life but the most important parts of that wall are built when you are a young child. They are the foundations on which the rest of the wall is built.

Children who have been in care, foster care or through adoption struggle more than anything with identity. "Who am I?" is a massive question for them. They have had so many changes in their short lives that it must all seem like a whirlwind to them. They live here with these people. Now they live here with these people. And now these other people and this other town.

Think about your early life and think about the consistency that you probably had. Same house. Same parents. Same siblings. Same friends. Same school. Same city. Same name.

For them? Not so much.

Fairly soon, Mrs and I will be applying for an Adoption Order for Mr Man and Little Miss. It will mean that very soon their names will be changing. Out of all of the constants that have been removed from their life the one thing that has stayed consistent is their name and now they're going to lose that too.

We have brought the subject up with them over the last few weeks and there is definitely a fair amount of confusion and even some hostility to the change. Little Miss said that she doesn't care if we change her name she's still going to use her old name. Over the weeks she has started getting used to the idea of the name change and it is important that we, as parents, make sure that she doesn't forget her old name and her old life, or at least the parts that aren't too painful for her to remember.

Mr Man is a bit more confused by the whole thing. The concept of names; of first names and surnames is all a bit baffling for him. He knows who he is and what his name is but isn't really sure why, which makes the fact that this will soon be changing all a bit strange for him. 

All we can do is be there for them as this massive change happens in their lives and support them through the difficulties that they will undoubtedly face. It doesn't help that the kids haven't told the children at school that they have been adopted. They are still struggling to accept that being adopted doesn't make them abnormal. They still feel this is maybe something that they should be ashamed of. It's something we're working on. When they go back to their school after the summer holidays, quite possibly with a new name they will have a lot of explaining to do!

That being said it's important that we don't do damage to their identity. We are all the sum of our experiences, whether they be good or bad and everything that has happened to us goes some way into shaping our identity, our sense of self. They will be fine and we will add a beautiful new brick to their wall, but we have to make sure that by putting our new brick on the wall we're not damaging the wall that is already there.

The D Word. Or why I won't be celebrating Fathers Day on Sunday

It's a very emotive subject being a Dad, especially when you thought that you would never get the chance. The first time Mr Man used the D word was on the second day of introductions when we were going out for a trip in the foster carers car and he said "My Daddy is sitting next to me!". Not just "Daddy" but "my Daddy!".

We were warned very early on in the process that we may never hear the words Mummy and Daddy because some children who are adopted never feel like they can call their new family Mummy and Daddy so it was a little bit of a shock that it came so quickly. What was more shocking was that it came with an act of claiming. The use of "my" at the start was as shocking as it was amazing. Mr Man had decided that I, little old me, was HIS Daddy. (please excuse me while I pause here because I think I may have been chopping onions, or possibly there is something in my eye).

And so, we get onto the actual subject of this blog and it's a difficult one. On Sunday a lot of people will be celebrating Fathers Day, and it's something that I looked forward to throughout our long struggle to be a family. Every Fathers Day came and went and it looked less and less likely that I would ever be celebrating it.

And now since the children have been placed with us I get the chance to celebrate it. And do you know what? I won't be celebrating it this year either and it's because of the word Father. I am many things to these children and will be throughout their lives but the one thing I cannot (and do not wish to) claim is to be their father. That title belongs to someone else. The dictionary states that a father is "a man in relation to his child" and specifically relates this to the act of "fathering" a child. No matter how I wish it otherwise I was not involved in the fathering of children, either Mr Man and Little Miss or any others.

But there's a very famous saying that applies here and I hope the author (whoever that may have been) doesn't mind me reproducing that here:

It takes biology to be a father. It takes chemistry to be a Dad.

It does you know. You can be a father by accident. You choose to be a Dad. As we went through the adoption process I realised that I didn't want to be a father. It didn't matter to me if my children were related to be genetically. Does she have my eyes? Who cares! Does he have my smile? No, but his is better! Do they look at me like I'm the most important man in their lives? Sometimes, they do; and when they do my heart melts into a big gooey puddle because that's what being a Dad is all about.

And so, on Sunday I will happily and without any regret decide not to celebrate fathers day because the act of being a father isn't necessarily something to celebrate.

But I will be celebrating! Oh boy will I! But I will be celebrating something far more important to me and that's the fact that I am a Dad. 

Happy Dads Day for Sunday to all of the Dads, whether you are a Father, a Step-Dad, a live-in boyfriend, an Uncle, a Granddad, a Foster Carer, an adoptive Dad or just a bloke who provides support to children who need you. I will raise a glass to every last one of you.

Proud

Today I picked Mr Man and Little Miss up from school and they both handed me achievement certificates. In their first week at school since moving in they have had nothing but glowing reports.

Wow. Just wow! These two never cease to amaze me.

How hard must this week been for them and they're knocking it out the park.

Proud #daddydaycare

You're Not Being Kind

It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.

For a child who has been through neglect and trauma the concept of kindness is a fluid one. For the child who suffers from years of neglect a hug can be a kindness. For a child who suffers horrendous verbal abuse a soft word can be the kindest. For some children, simply the absence of abuse can be the kindest thing of all.

Not long into our introduction period Mister Man was being especially difficult (understandably so, considering how stressful the introduction period must be for children their age). When one of the children are dis-regulated (or having a blinding tantrum as you may know it as) we have a rule that we don't allow them to be alone. We take them to a quiet place, whether it's the dining room, their bedroom or somewhere similar. We then sit with them and bring them back and help them to regulate themselves, or get themselves calm as we call it. So Mr Man and I took ourselves away to help him to calm down, but he was just too dis-regulated and it was taking a long time.

He screamed in my face. Think Vivian Leigh in Psycho screaming. Proper screaming in my face.

So I had to get stern with him. Not stern in the way you might think, but firmer than I would normally be and he stopped screaming, looked at me with his enormous brown eyes (seriously he looks like an extra from Frozen!) and his face crumpled into tears and he said "you're not being kind".

You probably heard my heart breaking from where you are now. For everything that boy had been through in his life and he though I was being unkind? It really took me by surprise and I didn't really know what to say. There's no real answer to that, because when a child is as dis-regulated as he was at that moment there's no yesterday or tomorrow, there is just right here and right now. And right here and right now he saw that I wasn't being the usual happy, jolly and fun Dad that he'd been getting used to. And he didn't like it one bit.

But when he calmed down we had a chat and he understood that I wasn't being unkind and he gave me a massive hug and said "Sorry Daddy, you're the best."

All I want is the best for these kids and we don't always get it right. I just hope they know that we love them very much and if they see us as being unkind it's because we're trying to help them.

Daddy Day Care

So, I've become a Dad! Not in the usual way, that would be far too simple! It's just like me to do things a little differently! Sadly, the traditional way to parenthood was not available to Mrs. and I. We decided fairly early on that we wanted to turn our misfortune into a positive for someone else, liberal lefties that we are.

Adoption is portrayed poorly on television, or at least in the programs that I've watched anyway. They always show the person popping into the hospital with a pregnant girl and coming out with a beautiful baby (after some comedy shenanigans of course!). But the reality is different. The adoption process is an arduous one, but not nearly as arduous as the journey those poor children have been on. The vast majority of children in this country are up for adoption due to neglect and abuse (sorry to bring a downer into it but there's no hiding from it). The foremost developmental years in a childs life have very often been lost. Imagine that for a second. Most of the things that make you who you are happen in the first few years of a childs life. Now imagine them gone. Scary, eh?

Anyway, we finally were matched with our Mister Man and Little Miss and on a glorious day and in a glorious way I became a Dad! Now Mrs. earns more than me sooo... Daddy Day Care!

It's amazing how many funny looks you get as a Dad with kids on your own (somewhere between pity and admiration) and it's amazing how many parenting tools are aimed at women. There are still plenty of places where the baby change facilities are in the womens toilets, not that I need them myself thankfully!

But it's been an absolute joy and pleasure so far. It amazes me how strong they have been. To have been through what they have and still come out smiling is a testament to their strength.

And as I sit here in the soft play centre a song has come on which Mrs. and I always equated with our struggle to be parents but it could equally apply to the struggle Mr Man and Little Miss have to overcome daily:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

And in floods of manly tears I will sign off.

#daddydaycare