The Power Of Yet

Every kid that has ever walked the face of the earth has at some point in their life slammed something down and shouted "I can't do it!". Goodness knows, I know plenty of adults who do exactly the same.

I can't do it!

It's very final, isn't it? There is an a whole load of quitting going on. Dummies are being thrown out of prams and toys are being kicked (both metaphorically and literally!).

The initial reaction to a statement like "I can't do it" is to say something that very much sounds like "there's no such thing as can't".

Now I'm a positive person but even I know that there definitely is such a thing as can't. For instance, I can't go on a date with Drew Barrymore (if you're reading this, Drew, call me!) and I can't lift a 10 tonne truck with one hand.

So how do you deal with a negative comment like I can't do that? How do you make it positive? "Sure you can, buddy!" will only get you so far. My opinion of my inability to date Drew Barrymore isn't going to change because someone said that I can, is it? But surely we can't just let our kids wallow in negativity? We can't say "no, you're right, dude, you're never going to succeed" because that's even more harmful than false positivity.

And this is where we get to the point of this blog. We, as parents, have a super power. That super power is that our kids will believe most of what we tell them (especially younger kids). If we use that super power with false positivity we erode the trust the kids have in us. It only took a couple of times of people saying that I could date Drew Barrymore before I realised that they were being less than truthful. "Sure you can!" starts to be met with an eye roll rather than an uplifting attitude. We can solve this little conundrum with just one word.

Yet.

In using the word "yet" we acknowledge the very real anger and frustration that a child may have as they fail at something. "I can see that you are struggling with this" is what we are saying to them; but we continue "it may not always be this way".

Wow, all that meaning in one word. It really is powerful, isn't it? With that one word we turn a phrase of anger and failure around, not into a false positive but into a very real hope.

"I will get better"
"One day I may be able to"
"I can't do it... Yet!"

I don't have a date with Drew Barrymore... yet! (Okay, very real hope may be stretching it on some things!)

National Adoption Week: The Journey (Part 1)

This week is National Adoption Week and over the course of this week I will be blogging about our adoption journey. If I can help to give one child a happy, loving home then it will be worthwhile, so I would appreciate it if you could reblog this post on social media using the hashtag #supportadoption

You are all wonderful.

The start of our adoption journey is a difficult one to pinpoint. Does it start eight years ago when we decided to have children? Does it start when we found out that we couldn't have children? Does it start from the point we were refused access to IVF that we probably didn't really want anyway? All of those are correct, but for the purposes of this post I'm going to start from the point we decided to adopt.

The Mrs, still coming to terms with what she thought was the loss of a dream, saw an advert on Facebook. There was a drive by the local council to find prospective adopters for the thousands of children in care who are awaiting homes. After a long discussion we decided to go along to the open evening. What we heard was extremely positive and we booked a visit from a council social worker.

The meeting went well and we were sure that the journey to our family was starting now. Our excitement quickly turned to despair. Despite the positivity at the meeting and despite the fact that we were exactly the sort of people they were looking for to adopt they decided that we couldn't because we were both overweight. They believed that somehow affected our ability to care for children. It certainly looked like our journey had ended before it had even begun.

It was probably one of the biggest kicks in the teeth I've ever had in my life. Bigger even than finding out we couldn't have children in the first place, because that was merely an accident of biology, but to have it suggested that we were unfit to be parents, however wrong that may have been, was painful.

I should point out at this point that although we are both overweight we are both fit and very active and are in excellent health!

We were in limbo for nearly a year until the Mrs again saw an advert on Facebook (she does more than read Facebook, honestly!) for an independent adoption agency. In their advert they said that they were looking for people who could provide a loving environment for children and that they would consider all circumstances. Although we felt like pariahs who had been rejected as parents we knew we could offer the very things these children needed, and so after another long and tearful discussion (the tears were mine!) we decided to give it another go, which is how we found ourselves in another adoption presentation almost a full year after the first. Again we signed up for interest and booked a visit.

Filled with understandable trepidation we awaited the social worker. The meeting went very well and the social worker told us that we were exactly the sort of people their agency was looking for. Looking at each other, the Mrs asked the dreaded question, would our weight be a barrier to us adopting? The social worker looked us like we'd just asked her if breathing was compulsory. Of course not, was the reply. We were on our way.

Stage 1 of the adoption process is one of the most intrusive things that you will ever have done to you (apart from possibly certain procedures performed in private by medical professionals, and trust me, it feels like that at times). Every single facet of your life is discussed. My one piece of advice at this point is "Be Honest". With the social worker, and if you're adopting as part of a couple, with each other.

I had to write in depth about how I felt when I divorced my first wife and how I felt when I lost my mum and the age of 28 (awful and worse) and the Mrs had to explain, in depth, why she doesn't really have a relationship with her father.

They requested references from half of the people we know (or at least that's what it felt like) including my ex-wife (who was a superstar and wrote us a glowing reference). It felt like the interrogation would never end! All of this is necessary, of course. The last thing they want to do is move a child from an uncertain living situation to another.

After all of that, and after a wait that seemed to never end, we were told that they were putting us forward to Stage 2, which is when they go in depth about what it means to be an adopter, prepare for your first adoption panel (scary) and you truly see what it means to have strange little people invade your life with very little preparation!

But that will have to wait until tomorrow.

If you have read this blog and are considering adoption as an option (hey, that rhymes) and want to discuss with someone privately feel free to message me, or contact your local council or an independent adoption agency.