Penny For Your Thoughts

Every now and again Little Miss gets a faraway look in her eyes and she will go very quiet. Her whole demeanour will move inwards and she will be very hard to communicate with. It's quite a shock as it can (and often does) come out of nowhere with little or no warning. It's such a change as she is normally such a happy, cheery little girl.

I wish she would talk to me and tell me what is going on inside, but I'm fairly sure she doesn't know either. It may have been something she has seen or heard that has sparked a repressed memory or simply she has thought about something and has retreated into herself.

I wish I could hold her hand and take her inside her head and hunt out those bits of memory that are causing her pain and take them away, but for better or worse they are part of her and forgetting painful memories is probably just as damaging as burying them.

As much as we would like to change it we need to be ready to discuss some very painful memories with her (Mister Man is unlikely to remember any truly painful things given his age) and deal with them in a comforting but honest way, all of this without vilifying the birth family who allowed these things to happen. The connection with the birth family and the anxiety of separation from them will only become more detrimental to her mental health if we don't deal with this properly.

So, penny for her thoughts? I'm not sure I actually want to know it will just make me angry but I will give everything I have to make those thoughts hurt her less and to fill her head with happy thoughts and happy memories so that when she goes inside her head it's not the dark but the light that she is lost in; and maybe we'll get a little smile.

Birth Family

This is a hard post to write. Whenever you think about adoption it's never too far from the conversation, like a shadow casting over everything you do. It's in the colour of their hair and the way they talk. They had another family before us.

Years ago it was thought to be better for the child to not know about their birth family (or even to know they were adopted) but it was soon realised that keeping details to yourself about adoption and a childs heritage was detrimental to a childs mental health.

These days a childs status as adopted is not kept from them but embraced. They are told about their birth family and given as much information as is age appropriate about why they have been adopted.

It's a tricky thing for us adopters to manage because on one hand we are super-happy about having the children living with us, completing our longed-for family, but we have to appreciate that for them this is anything but happy and is, in fact, very scary. They can be angry and they can be hurt and it is likely that, regardless of what has happened to them, they will not understand why they can't just go and live with their birth family.

And what of the birth family? For all our joy the flipside of the coin is that a family has been torn apart. I cannot put into words how that must feel. For all that the reasons for it are very often sound (and in the case of Mister Man and Little Miss it most certainly is) there are still people for who our joy is someone elses utter misery and that hurts me.

It is hard to empathise, knowing what we know, with the birth family but we have to try for the childrens sake because in order to help the children become the best version of themselves we have to understand all of them, however much we wish we didn't.

Visiting the Family

Family is a very fluid concept for children who have been adopted. For most people, the concept of family is a solid, consistent one. Even if we don't like our family very much we know who they are and we're pretty sure the definition isn't going to change soon. Adopted children, however, are different. As with much of their early lives, there is no such consistency for them.

They have their birth family, who in a lot of cases they no longer see. Even just thinking about them can cause upset and hurt. They may have experienced some bad things when they were with their birth family so even the very concept of family may be a difficult one for them. That said, there are probably members of their birth family that they were close to or have special memories of. It's not unusual for them to be very sad when thinking of losing their birth family.

They are also likely to have at least one or possibly multiple foster families that they have lived with and there will be members of that family who they have come to know like family and will think of as family. In a lot of cases children will not see their foster carers again after they have moved onto their forever family. Our kids absolutely adored their last foster placement and still miss them. It's still one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever done driving the kids away from their foster carers house for the last time.

And then there is us. The adoptive family. The family that will be their family for the rest of their lives, or at least legally so, but in their heads it may not be as simple as that. When they hear the word Mummy or Daddy do they think of their birth family? Do the words Mummy and Daddy cause them  pain? Thankfully in our case it doesn't seem that way, but we are always open with the children about their past so any hurt they are feeling, whether from memories of past experiences or simply from missing members of their birth or foster families, can be brought to us without fear of offense. We have to make sure they know that we understand that there are always going to be confused feelings when it comes to the concept of family.

Over the last few weeks we have been introducing the kids to the family and the kids have been fantastic. There has really been a connection with our family and it's beautiful to see. Our families have opened their arms, their hearts and their homes to these two strange children who have parachuted into the middle of their lives and they have treated them like they have always been there.

The hardest part for the family though must be the need to be reserved. They have lived this journey with us and have prayed to whatever being they chose for us and we know that ever since the kids moved in with us they have been itching to descend on us to meet them and to start to get to know them and love them. It must have been so hard for them to stay away, and when they did meet them not to smother them with hugs, kisses and gifts, but they have all been superb and done as we've asked in order to help the kids feel comfortable in their environment.

There is just one more part of the family to meet and it's going to be an emotional one. When the times were at the darkest they ran the race with us and got us to the finish line, even though they were far away.

It's just going to be a joy to know that this extra little bit of their family is being welcomed in with open arms and for something that can be so difficult every single member of our families has been overwhelmingly wonderful and I cannot thank them enough.

What's In A Name?

Picture a wall. It has a lot of bricks and on that wall is a picture of your face. That wall is your identity. It's the wall that you've built up over the years and will continue building for the rest of your life. Now, you add to that wall throughout your life but the most important parts of that wall are built when you are a young child. They are the foundations on which the rest of the wall is built.

Children who have been in care, foster care or through adoption struggle more than anything with identity. "Who am I?" is a massive question for them. They have had so many changes in their short lives that it must all seem like a whirlwind to them. They live here with these people. Now they live here with these people. And now these other people and this other town.

Think about your early life and think about the consistency that you probably had. Same house. Same parents. Same siblings. Same friends. Same school. Same city. Same name.

For them? Not so much.

Fairly soon, Mrs and I will be applying for an Adoption Order for Mr Man and Little Miss. It will mean that very soon their names will be changing. Out of all of the constants that have been removed from their life the one thing that has stayed consistent is their name and now they're going to lose that too.

We have brought the subject up with them over the last few weeks and there is definitely a fair amount of confusion and even some hostility to the change. Little Miss said that she doesn't care if we change her name she's still going to use her old name. Over the weeks she has started getting used to the idea of the name change and it is important that we, as parents, make sure that she doesn't forget her old name and her old life, or at least the parts that aren't too painful for her to remember.

Mr Man is a bit more confused by the whole thing. The concept of names; of first names and surnames is all a bit baffling for him. He knows who he is and what his name is but isn't really sure why, which makes the fact that this will soon be changing all a bit strange for him. 

All we can do is be there for them as this massive change happens in their lives and support them through the difficulties that they will undoubtedly face. It doesn't help that the kids haven't told the children at school that they have been adopted. They are still struggling to accept that being adopted doesn't make them abnormal. They still feel this is maybe something that they should be ashamed of. It's something we're working on. When they go back to their school after the summer holidays, quite possibly with a new name they will have a lot of explaining to do!

That being said it's important that we don't do damage to their identity. We are all the sum of our experiences, whether they be good or bad and everything that has happened to us goes some way into shaping our identity, our sense of self. They will be fine and we will add a beautiful new brick to their wall, but we have to make sure that by putting our new brick on the wall we're not damaging the wall that is already there.

The D Word. Or why I won't be celebrating Fathers Day on Sunday

It's a very emotive subject being a Dad, especially when you thought that you would never get the chance. The first time Mr Man used the D word was on the second day of introductions when we were going out for a trip in the foster carers car and he said "My Daddy is sitting next to me!". Not just "Daddy" but "my Daddy!".

We were warned very early on in the process that we may never hear the words Mummy and Daddy because some children who are adopted never feel like they can call their new family Mummy and Daddy so it was a little bit of a shock that it came so quickly. What was more shocking was that it came with an act of claiming. The use of "my" at the start was as shocking as it was amazing. Mr Man had decided that I, little old me, was HIS Daddy. (please excuse me while I pause here because I think I may have been chopping onions, or possibly there is something in my eye).

And so, we get onto the actual subject of this blog and it's a difficult one. On Sunday a lot of people will be celebrating Fathers Day, and it's something that I looked forward to throughout our long struggle to be a family. Every Fathers Day came and went and it looked less and less likely that I would ever be celebrating it.

And now since the children have been placed with us I get the chance to celebrate it. And do you know what? I won't be celebrating it this year either and it's because of the word Father. I am many things to these children and will be throughout their lives but the one thing I cannot (and do not wish to) claim is to be their father. That title belongs to someone else. The dictionary states that a father is "a man in relation to his child" and specifically relates this to the act of "fathering" a child. No matter how I wish it otherwise I was not involved in the fathering of children, either Mr Man and Little Miss or any others.

But there's a very famous saying that applies here and I hope the author (whoever that may have been) doesn't mind me reproducing that here:

It takes biology to be a father. It takes chemistry to be a Dad.

It does you know. You can be a father by accident. You choose to be a Dad. As we went through the adoption process I realised that I didn't want to be a father. It didn't matter to me if my children were related to be genetically. Does she have my eyes? Who cares! Does he have my smile? No, but his is better! Do they look at me like I'm the most important man in their lives? Sometimes, they do; and when they do my heart melts into a big gooey puddle because that's what being a Dad is all about.

And so, on Sunday I will happily and without any regret decide not to celebrate fathers day because the act of being a father isn't necessarily something to celebrate.

But I will be celebrating! Oh boy will I! But I will be celebrating something far more important to me and that's the fact that I am a Dad. 

Happy Dads Day for Sunday to all of the Dads, whether you are a Father, a Step-Dad, a live-in boyfriend, an Uncle, a Granddad, a Foster Carer, an adoptive Dad or just a bloke who provides support to children who need you. I will raise a glass to every last one of you.

Proud

Today I picked Mr Man and Little Miss up from school and they both handed me achievement certificates. In their first week at school since moving in they have had nothing but glowing reports.

Wow. Just wow! These two never cease to amaze me.

How hard must this week been for them and they're knocking it out the park.

Proud #daddydaycare

You're Not Being Kind

It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever heard.

For a child who has been through neglect and trauma the concept of kindness is a fluid one. For the child who suffers from years of neglect a hug can be a kindness. For a child who suffers horrendous verbal abuse a soft word can be the kindest. For some children, simply the absence of abuse can be the kindest thing of all.

Not long into our introduction period Mister Man was being especially difficult (understandably so, considering how stressful the introduction period must be for children their age). When one of the children are dis-regulated (or having a blinding tantrum as you may know it as) we have a rule that we don't allow them to be alone. We take them to a quiet place, whether it's the dining room, their bedroom or somewhere similar. We then sit with them and bring them back and help them to regulate themselves, or get themselves calm as we call it. So Mr Man and I took ourselves away to help him to calm down, but he was just too dis-regulated and it was taking a long time.

He screamed in my face. Think Vivian Leigh in Psycho screaming. Proper screaming in my face.

So I had to get stern with him. Not stern in the way you might think, but firmer than I would normally be and he stopped screaming, looked at me with his enormous brown eyes (seriously he looks like an extra from Frozen!) and his face crumpled into tears and he said "you're not being kind".

You probably heard my heart breaking from where you are now. For everything that boy had been through in his life and he though I was being unkind? It really took me by surprise and I didn't really know what to say. There's no real answer to that, because when a child is as dis-regulated as he was at that moment there's no yesterday or tomorrow, there is just right here and right now. And right here and right now he saw that I wasn't being the usual happy, jolly and fun Dad that he'd been getting used to. And he didn't like it one bit.

But when he calmed down we had a chat and he understood that I wasn't being unkind and he gave me a massive hug and said "Sorry Daddy, you're the best."

All I want is the best for these kids and we don't always get it right. I just hope they know that we love them very much and if they see us as being unkind it's because we're trying to help them.